Hello Lovers,
Yesterday Black Gold marked its first anniversary...yeeey! and being the very forgetful and busy-bee that i am, i unsurprisingly forgot. Ooooh well, better late than never i believe.
70 post in, 63 followers and over 5000 views, i couldn't be more grateful to all of you beautiful people who take their precious time to read my blog every now and then, am truly flattered and humbled.
Thank you all very much.
For our first anniversary, i thought i would share something personal, an insight into the tragic world i soo nearly got consumed into.
Last month was one of my worst months thus far, i was not my best self. Every thing i touched turned to dump and everyone i saw or spoke to me was a bumbling pain. I was literally in hell. i hated myself, my body responded to me in the worst way ever, i hated my job, my life was a routine, and my mind body and soul was just so tired of trying so hard and going no where in life. I felt so alone,worthless,everybody around me was demanding,asking,begging and expecting everything and anything from me.
I just wanted to crawl onto the darkest hole,get lost and disappear from the world.
The irony is, no one or nothing drove me to that state, half way through this phase i got to realise that this bad mood, which at first i thought was PMS seemed to drag on forever. Day in day out i felt worse and worse and there seemed nothing that could revive my bubbly,ever smiling happy spirit.
I tried talking to people who usually cheer me up ,watched comedy, ate loads of chocolate,ice cream and meat,meat meat, but i just lost weight(not that am complaining) and felt even more sad.
Everyone at work thought i was pregnant, and for a split second so did i, until i knew otherwise. It did make me wonder though; "If this is what pregnancy does to women, then hello surrogate mother"
Lol! i love babies so much, am sure i would not entertain a surrogate however painful.
I fed off pain, I preferred to associate myself with everything hurtful and dark.I could swear if there was a traditionally doctor/voodoo man around me at that time, i might have as well tried him out, all in the hope of getting my mojo back!
Bare in mind,i have an amazing group of friends and family who are always very supportive. Not to forget an awesome boyfriend who totally completes the puzzles and makes my life whole!
These people that i love so dearly, still couldn't get through to me and i was soo afraid i would so easily drive them away. I was grumpy, moody and very confrontational during this time, i seemed to want to struggle every girl my boyfriend talked to,everyone's happiness dint phase me.
I was just a stone cold bitch in pain, who wanted to stay in her dark cave alone,away from the everything and everyone who was happy and merry.
This was a very hard time for me, am generally a very secretive person, i strive to make others happy, so i mostly laugh and drink away my problems.When people are always expecting alot from you, you get accustomed to giving,giving and listening to others as opposed to taking and crying your heart out to them, even when the opportunity arises, you would rather brush it off than engage in your misery. You would prefer to keep the happy going than be a party poo-pa.
Most times however, its very tough, as everybody has always taken you for a tough cookie, one who can handle stress and pain very well, they usually pay less attention to you knowing you will survive it.
Have you ever walked down stairs with another girl and you both tripped?? she comes out with a little cut yet somehow she cries out louder? She and the others will expect you and them to sooth her and pretty much keep checking on her throughout the night just to make sure she doesn't bleed to death!You on the other hand, who cried out softy, probably came out more bruised, is acceptably expected to be fine. Oooh well, Remmy is a tough one, she will just get up,dust herself and just party on....
HELLO... i tripped too, just a little whatsup,whatsup wouldn't hurt a Shaka Zulu now would it??
More often Ur family and friends assume a tap on the back is enough to sooth your pain and walk away. leaving you bleeding inside and hating the fact that they don't try as hard as you do, sometime this hard girl also doesn't know what to do..she is trapped and needs a way out...she needs someone to hold her, and somehow convince her she is OK and the world is better place after all. And even though no one gets through to her, maybe the fact that anybody would have tried harder may have helped shorten the misery.
After what seemed like a lifetime of praying for deliverance, stuffing myself with sweet nothings, silently screaming ((get me out of here)) to whatever god could listen,i got to a point where suddenly,with a very deem blinking light on the other side of the world, my environment turned from a gloomy winter...to autumn...then spring....then everything slooooowly started to blossom.
I started to smile,the people around me started to look bearable after all, i heartily chuckled at jokes and truly smile at my happy surroundings.
Some people would call what i went through a mid-life-crisis, others call it a breaking point, i call it Hell!
I think this is the point in life where some people join cults,tattoo their whole face,slit their wrists, relocate,or even worse, commit suicide, and everybody would never be able to point a finger to it, because one seemed or looked alright!
I write this while holding back tears...as i am forever grateful to God that i am out of that place unharmed and i would never wish such an experience on anybody,and pray it never surfaces in my life ever again.
I am stronger,happier and healthier.
Thank you alot to each one of you who have been with Black Gold throughout this one year.
All your lovely comments, and support mean the world to me and is truly appreciated.
Am humbled.
xoxo
Remmy
